How your internal state affects your social success

by Ramon Thomas in Advice on 2929/050505/2007200720072007 • 1 Comment • ,

Your internal state plays a much bigger role in your social success and specifically in your success with the opposite sex. For men this can be very, very problematic. Let me give an example. When you are not feeling good, maybe depressed, maybe lonely or frustrated…you can still drive your car. You get in, start the car and you drive away. If you are angry you may drive faster than usual. If you are lonely you may drive around mindlessly trying to kill time or searching for someone external to you. The thing is you do not forget how to drive your car.

Now for most men this is not the case when it comes to interactions with women. And it goes without saying the more attractive the woman, the more your internal state prevents you from “being normal” around women. So what can you do about this? What can you do to prevent nervousness from destroying your confidence? What can you do to restore your internal state to equilibrium?

The more you ignore this problem, the bigger it is bound to become. Your body becomes conditioned to react in a certain way when you approach women. Even when you are introduced to an attractive women your body will start reacting in the only way it knows how. And this is something you may feel is beyond your control – but it’s not!

You can program your internal state by way of conditioning. What I mean here is by training yourself to respond in the way that you want to. You can begin to sensitise yourself with practise over time. It could take months or it could take years. Now this is where you may want to listen in closely. You can reduce the time to condition your emotions by working on changing the patterns of behaviour. One thing I’ve been doing more and more recently is playing certain types of music on my cellphone/mp3 player when I am about to speak to an audience. I have used the same approach before going out. I’ve chosen some very specific pieces of music that really pushing my internal state way up. Up meaning into a heightened state of awareness as well as a high energy feeling. This is all going on inside of my head and whether I am aware of it or not it’s been having a profound impact on my social interactions.

So what music does this to you? Here’s some suggestions:

There are many more. For some people rock music may do it. For some people some other kind of music may do it. The thing is to remember you are not helpless. You can change your internal state. You can have a deeper sense of well being when you choose to control your internal state. And in a very circular way success in social interactions is all about being normal – in “women talk” – just being yourself.

How to use charm not flattery

by Ramon Thomas in Advice/Society on 1111/050505/2007200720072007 • No Comments • , , ,

The last few days I’ve been in beautiful Cape Town, South Africa. Now I visit this wonderful city about once every two or three months and whenever I am here it feels like home – that is another story. I’d like to share with a lesson in charm school.

A few days before leaving Joburg I booked my car rental through Avis – the “we try harder company.” I got the best deal and was content. First thing I realised after checking in at the newly renamed OR Tambo International (Johannesburg International) airport is that I forgot my drivers license in my car. This was parked at the long term parking so there was no way I’m going to run out to the parking lot to retrieve it before taking off from Cape Town.

The little voice in my head told me “don’t worry you’re a damn charming fellow and whomever you speak to at Avis in Cape Town will help you out.” This is where I first programmed the belief into my own mind.

Now let’s skip to Cape Town airport and my arrival at the Avis desk. I am a “preferred member” but left my damn card also back at my place in Jozi. So with only slight hesitation I headed over to the Preferred Customer section (always a shorter queue and all for filling in a form to get a loyalty card.) I stood up straight and in my most authentically charming voice told the woman behind the counter I have a special situation , she must please try to help me out.

Read the above again – I basically issued an instruction, not a request. You see the human brain is the most programmable computer ever invented. And the great school system prepares you to become an automaton who listen to commands much more than questioning them – just look at how people around you behave. If you studies any NLP at all you’ll be smiling by now.

So as she looked at me I also looked deep into her eyes. I used a technique called “Sending” recently learned from Dr Paul Dobransky to send her good feelings. Next thing is I assumed rapport and treated her like an old friend. Smiling but not to much and always keeping very good body language – meaning confident body language. You loose more by poor body language and bad voice tone then any crap you may speak.

Anyway the end result here was that I used charm instead of flattery. I did not compliment this woman except in the end and it was sincere. Now most people in my situation would have tried to be overly nice – this is flattery. And most guys when meeting a new girl they find attractive dish out the compliments without the women doing one thing to deserve it. This woman from Avis deserved a compliment. And I may just send her some flowers before my next trip in June – this will secure continued excellent and preferential service. I like to see this as building goodwill for the future.

What’s your experience with charming people to help you out of problematic situations?

18 Tips to Safe Surfing on the Net

by Ramon Thomas in Advice/News on 1717/040404/2007200720072007 • No Comments •

In response to recent national and local headlines concerning child online safety, PCPandora.com launches “18 Tips to Safe Surfing” and Pandora’s Blog. Both serve as resources to parents looking for ideas and effective ways to keep their kids safe on the Internet.

New York, NY (PRWEB) April 16, 2007 — In response to recent national and local headlines concerning child online safety, PCPandora.com launches “18 Tips to Safe Surfing” and Pandora’s Blog. Both serve as resources to parents looking for ideas and effective ways to keep their kids safe on the Internet.

Three recent events have brought the issue of online child safety to the headlines once again:

it’s a place where we will talk about current news surrounding the issue. We want parents to share their stories, chime in on our thoughts… and maybe even find answers.
1. In March, a federal court judge in Philadelphia blocked the 1998 Child Online Protection Act… 2. Soon thereafter, Project Safe Childhood launched the educational “Think Before You Post” campaign… And 3. A couple weeks after that, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) rejected the application for an official redlight district “.xxx” Internet domain.

In addition, stories of Internet predators being caught by undercover agents, and local/state government-hosted seminars being held in communities across the US also make daily headlines. For example, recently, 28 men were arrested over one weekend in Florida, and a Pennsylvania man was sentenced for having sexual relations with the 14-year old Connecticut girl he met on MySpace.

Now more than ever, the message is clear: it is 100% parents’ responsibility to safeguard their child’s Internet activities.

In response to the plethora of recent news surrounding online child safety, Pandora Corporation, makers of PC Pandora, have posted 18 Tips to Safe Surfing on their website. In addition, the company has started Pandora’s Blog, the focus of which is to provide an open forum for discussion of current news concerning child online safety.

“We want to be a resource for parents,” says co-founder James Leasure, “a place where they can come to discuss issues, get tips, educate themselves and find answers. Online safety is an important topic, now more so than ever — and it’s up to parents to make sure we succeed.”

The company pulled tips from all over the web, added a bit of common sense, and gave them a home in one place on their website.

“Simple solutions like start early, talk to your kids, be the boss of your PC, establish rules… they may all seem to be no-brainers, but you would be surprised at the number of parents that overlook these basic guidelines,” says Leasure.

With Pandora’s Blog, the company hopes to keep the issue of online safety at the forefront of America’s parents’ minds. Leasure says, “it’s a place where we will talk about current news surrounding the issue. We want parents to share their stories, chime in on our thoughts… and maybe even find answers.”

He adds that, “progress is being made everyday, and more people are aware now of the dangers that lurk online — but we still have a long road to travel.”

The company’s monitoring software, PC Pandora, serves as a valuable tool in monitoring children’s activities online. Executive members are available for comment; copies of software, images, and video are also available for help in story development.

Some Alarming Stats Concerning Kids’ Online Activity:
· According to 2006′s Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later report, approximately one in seven youth online (10 to 17-years-old) received a sexual solicitation or approach over the Internet.
· The same report found that 34% had an unwanted exposure to sexual material – pictures of naked people or people having sex. 27% of the youth who encountered unwanted sexual material told a parent or guardian. But if the encounter was defined as distressing – episodes that made them feel very or extremely upset or afraid – 42% told a parent or guardian.
· According to a 2006 survey, by Cox Communications in partnership with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, teens have been exposed to the Internet’s accompanying potential risks:
–71% reported receiving messages online from someone they don’t know
–45% have been asked for personal information by someone they don’t know
–30% have considered meeting someone that they’ve only talked to online
–14% have actually met a person face-to-face they they’ve only spoken to over the Internet
· 71% of all parents stop monitoring their child’s use of the Internet after the child turns 14, not knowing that 72% of all Internet-related missing children are 15 years of age or older. – Dist. Attny, Cnty of Los Angeles

About PC Pandora: Pandora Corporation was formed with one goal – to help our customers monitor, control and protect their families and themselves online. First released in 2005, PC Pandora has been constantly upgraded to industry-leading specifications and has received accolades from users, reviewers and even school districts and law enforcement agencies, who use the program to help in the day-to-day supervision of the children and citizens they are charged with protecting. With the release of Windows Vista-compatible version 4.2 and a newly upgraded interactive website, PC Pandora has vaulted into a leadership position by boasting a combination of features that unparalleled in the monitoring industry. The company website devotes space to helping parents with 18 Tips to Safe Surfing and the new Pandora’s Blog, where current news in the world of online safety are discussed regularly.

Cellphone Lockers for School

by Ramon Thomas in Advice on 1414/010101/2007200720072007 • 3 Comments •

Cellphone LockersOne of the recommendations I’m making in severe cases of MXit / cellphone addiction is for schools is to ban cellphones. There is no laws to enforce this and no regulations I’m aware of from the Department of Education. However, one of the emails I’ve received since the Parents’ Guide to MXit has been released in November is the following:

“Dear Ramon

My company, Security Cell-Lock, provides schools in SA with a ‘lock up your cellphone during school hours’ system. Learners are playing MXit and sms’ing during the school day. To prevent a total ban we install our units so that the schools have their own ‘safe’ for each learner. It takes away the responsibility from the school and still allows the learner to be accessable to and from school. This keeps mom and dad happy, the school happy and the learner happy (well almost because he cannot play during school time anymore, but he/she is there to learn).

Please contact Brandon Lindsay on Tel: 021 686 3305 or on his company webiste here.

Protecting Your Kids from Cyber-Predators

by Ramon Thomas in Advice on 0202/121212/2006200620062006 • No Comments •

In America the website MySpace is having a similar impact to MXit in South Africa. In fact its amusing to me both start with “M” ;-) Anyway I will be drawing more and more comparisons between MySpace and MXit going forward. As I keep saying none of these issues are new and originated on the Internet. Software like MXit and GRPS technology essentially connects your cellphone to the Internet and blurs the definition of what it means to “online.”

Please read this article on Protecting Your Kids from Cyber-Predators on Business Week website from December 2005. The one part where the mother signed up for a MySpace profile and added her daughter as a friend is exactly what parents in South Africa should do: You should sign-up with MXit, add your children as Contacts and monitor when they are offline and go online. This is the first thing you should do.

Please take a moment and watch this short documentary 10 minute documentary on MySpace:[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/30-1pDjA4PY" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Online dating tips: The honest truth

by Ramon Thomas in Advice/Dating on 1010/010101/2006200620062006 • No Comments •

MOST dating advice tells you to be honest, but what does this really mean? Often people confuse “honesty” with “revealing everything” – but can we be too honest, and can it lose us dates?

There are four common mistakes people make about honesty.

1. Confusing honesty with self-criticism

People worry that if they don’t tell their potential date everything right away it may cause problems in the future. To avoid disappointment, people describe themselves far too literally. Take Juliet, stunningly pretty and a size 18.

Worried potential dates might not like her; she described herself as a large lady. Not surprisingly she didn’t get much response. But when she changed the description to curvaceous, she was overwhelmed by guys wanting to meet her.

2. Too much too soon

Sometimes people confuse openness with honesty and tell a potential date everything. For example, people often reveal an overwhelming list of all their contact details including email and telephone numbers or a laundry list of all their previous relationships and what went wrong.

3. Telling your life history

If you’ve had problems in your past, like poor health or an abusive relationship, you often want to tell others. Lindsay had been with Phil for seven years, and he’d cheated on her many times.

Eventually she ended the relationship, but was so worried about being cheated on, she told every new partner how badly Phil had treated her.

Lindsay was trying to protect herself, but her would-be dates either thought she still had feelings for Phil or found her anger off-putting.

4. Appearing too keen

We all have ideas about what we want from a relationship – maybe a big family, or a white wedding. Some people feel they need to declare these desires on a first date. This may scare off a potential date or make you seem desperate, not honest.

So how can we avoid making these mistakes?

1. Deal with any problems before you start dating. For serious issues ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor. You may also find Anne Dickson’s book, A Woman in Your Own Right, helps you identify and overcome confidence problems.

2. Practice flirting and chatting. Ask friends to give you pointers on how to sell yourself. Try Peta Heskell’s Flirt Coach, or Joy Brown’s Dating for Dummies for conversation and confidence ideas.

3. Get a friend to act out a date. They can pretend to chat you up and you respond as normal to pinpoint problems. For example, they can point out when you provide too much personal information.

4. Remember if you say too much to a potential date it isn’t a disaster. You might scare off some people, but many people are more forgiving. Chalk it up to experience.

5. Don’t forget that over time can say what you want, and as a relationship develops you can confide your secrets, hopes and fears.

Key points for honest communication:

# Sell yourself. Don’t put yourself down in the mistaken belief that you’re being ‘honest’. # Don’t be afraid to talk about your successes, things that interest you, comments on a film you may have seen, or a book you’ve read. # Ask lots of questions. Not only will you reduce your worries, but you’ll also have enough information to decide if you want another date.

source: ic North Wales

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